Grace Like Rain

my sissy-2012 Senior

2012-01-25T18:14:00.001-06:00

She's the funniest person you'll ever meet. Oh, but don't get me wrong, she can be a mighty serious force to recon with when she has the mind to be!

You could say she's my best friend, but I like to call her my shadow, my keeper. She shouldn't and doesn't need to watch over me like she does, yet I know she does it out of love.

She's my support and shoulder to lean on. She's there when I need a good listener, and when I need some company.

She's a pretty unique gal, and I aspire to be like her, because she's so vibrant and, in her own right, captivating.

My sister is one heck of a confident gal. If only more girls could embody her confidence....

I love her with all my heart, and I am proud to tell you that this girl is my sister. And no, you can't have her (although sometimes I do play with the idea of selling her to a flea circus!).

I don't think I would be able to live without her for a long period of time. I wouldn't be able to sleep in the dark without knowing she's in the bed next to mine.

She's my sister. A PHENOMENAL one at that. Have a sweet Senior year chica! Make it could and enjoy the blessings that God will be sending your way this year in 2012. <3

senior 2012 tease

2012-01-21T22:00:00.000-06:00

warning: this is a rant. it's long winded

2012-01-20T19:15:00.001-06:00

I got a comment on my blog today in regards to the post I did on the two web-based bills that are scheduled to be voted on in a matter if days (3 days to be exact). The commenter, Miss Makay (love ya girl!), was aware of what the bills entailed. And yet, she was infuriated by the number of people coming together, up-in-arms about their personal "online" social liberties being taken away from them, in contrast to the startlingly low number who come together to protest against the genocide of thousands of unborn infants across the world.

This is what she wrote:

I know the people of America need to take a stand against these bills, and I have already signed a boatload of petitions... however- the uprising about these bills infuriates me. More people have been shaken by this bill than the bill legalizing murder in all 50 states... millions of babies are just being slaughtered through a genocide behind sterile doors- and more people care about SOPA and PIPA infringing their rights! What about the rights of the silent? Or the helpless? Argh. Makes me angry. -Ky

I have to say that I agree with her. Until she raised this concern, I was unaware of just how many people were in an uproar over these bills. Granted they are an intrusion to our rights as individuals, but there is a difference between the importance of these bills and the bills that infringe upon the rights of unborn babies, and the elderly.

Why is it that the bills that pertain to internet are more important than the bills that allow the right to kill to become law? Come on! Yes, the fight against these bills are very crucial. But it seems to me that the Internet takes more precedence over the life of humans. Pinterest, Wehearit, all those other interactive sharing sites are a great way to captivate bloggers and create couch potatoes out of others. Yet, none of this matters if you think about it. So what if they end up being blocked? More time for doing important things with the family, duh. Yeah, I use these tools, but I don't consider them a critical part of my life. However, for my blog to succumb to this, that would bother me. Yet there is an emotional aspect to losing a life that doesn't even enter the back of my mind with the threat of losing my blog because of a link infringement.

A link infringement. Great! I probably have a gazillion of those. I can deal with that. Infringing upon human rights by taking matters in to our own hands, deciding whether or not they're going to live is a whole other issue and that needs to be taken a heck of a lot more seriously that these web-based bills.

I know I am probably hitting this issue hard, and a lot of you are probably shaking your heads right now in disagreement. "I don't condone abortion, but these bills are important, too!" I hear you, and I agree. But life and the Internet are two very different things, and quite frankly, human life wins out over these bills that are about to pass through congress. Not saying they aren't important, they're just not something that I'm going to get irate about. I posted about it. I was angry; the more I thought about Makay's comment, the brighter my perspective became. I had to decide which was more important--waste me energy fighting bills that pertain to the Internet, or save it and fight for those fighting a losing battle every second?

You all have your own opinions on this. That's great! However, do not care to hear them if you decide you are going to bash me about my stand on this. I may seem like I am completely contradicting myself when comparing this post to the last post, but I would like to point out that I am a person who is for God-given rights regardless of what part of those rights are being infringed upon. I would speak out about issues that bash our human rights regardless. If I believe in something I am going to speak up; and if I decide to change my mind...I will. Life is more important to me than this internet thing. If you don't agree, that's fine.

2012-01-20T09:47:00.000-06:00

What is happening to our freedom? Can anyone answer me this? Our coutnry was created on the foundational principals of personal freedoms endowed by our Creator, which are inallianable rights we Americans are entitled to as humans. Yet this does not register in the slightest with the government and it's minions who take great pleasure in lording over the law-abiding, tax-paying citizens of this country. Such an attack on our personal freedom to speak about whatever we see fit to stand up for is an insult to all who posess an intelectually thinking cell in their body.

The reason for my storngly worded introduction is the undertanding that there is to be a couple of new bills, called SOPA and PIPA, that congress will be trying to vote in on January 24th.

I confess to knowing little about this. However, I do know that I will not stand for the infringment upon personal rights, the rights of others, and the innability to allow peopole to share with each other links that may or may not be "infringable". And have you heard that these bills will most likely make it unfair to certain web-based business, due to the fact that the government would they would have the power to decide what businesses get more advertisement than others? This is a loadf of crock, if you'll exuse my language. I am so infurriated by this that I went ahead and signed the petition, Fight for the Future.

What are you guys going to do bout it? I hope you're not going to let this slide on by without taking action and showing your government and local legislators what freedom really looks like in the hearts of the American people. If we allow these bills to pass, it will not only affect us, but will affect other countries in the future. If we let them tell us what we can and cannot do online, what are we going to do five years from know when they want to tell us how to live our lives at home? Take a stand. Speak out. I did; and I MADE HISTORY. You can too.

practically perfect in every way.

2012-01-19T13:06:00.005-06:00

Marry Poppins, an elegant Disney character whose character is polite, charming, and practically perfect in every way. She's the epitome of a perfect woman. I guess if you have an endless carpet bag and a magical umbrella you're entitled to being perfect. Oh, and let's not forget that magical bottle of medicine, and that catchy song; ever since she sang "just a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down...", I have imagine my kerosene cough syrup to taste like watermelon bubblegum.

Aside from delicious medicine that could pass as a bedtime desert, I have often wondered what makes this nanny so dang perfect? And what is it that she has (besides the endless carpetbag, scrumptious medicine, and the ability to fly) that I don't have? I have manners, too! I can be charming if the need arises. Yet, I can't seem to figure out how to be perfect in every way.

It's confusing, though; this whole idea of perfection. We're not perfect. But we're created by a perfect God. And yet, in Song of Solomon it states:

"I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night" (Song of Solomon 5:2).

Is there a difference in the perfection we, as humans, try to attain on our own every waking second of the day, and the "flawless one" that Christ sees in us as feminine beauties? Some food for thought.

We're not perfect. We cannot amount to anything deserving of the sacrifice God made when He sent His Son to die for us. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? Even women are not immune to the fate of this world. But, just like Adam who was created to be the warrior, women were created for a purpose all their own. To be blossoms in a desert land; wallflowers with a flawless beauty that is theirs to discover and to share.

I wonder...did Marry Poppins ever stop to think about what made her so perfect in every way? Was she born with it? Did she come into it be a miraculous revelation? Is this idea that she's so perfect the key to such confidence? Maybe...just maybe...if we all start believing we're perfect IN GOD'S EYES, like Marry did in her own (with a smidgen of humility), then we might have her confidence, too. We might be more bold and less wishy-washy. We might be more courageous and less scared to follow our dreams and reach for the moon (the stars are always there to catch you if you don't make it that far!).

So what's the big deal with Marry's perfection? Her captivating confidence, that's what. I wish I had a bottle so I could capture her motivation, spontaneity, and self-confidence. If I could, I'd drink it as fast as I could so I could live on Cloud 9, too. I guess, since Marry's confidence cannot be bottled up and recycled, I am going to have to go searching within myself to dig out my own confident woman who is practically perfect in every way. And by perfect, I mean how God sees me.

>> 2012 Affirmation: I now go beyond other people's fears and limitations.

>> one thousand gifts:

bright orange highlighters
warm tomato soup
cold brew tea

captivating femininity {part 1}: the heart of a woman

2012-01-17T06:00:00.013-06:00

Tammy Wynette

"Sometimes it's hard to be a woman."

Every woman is a wallflower with a fear to bloom. A fear to lose or a fear to win. A fear to be invisible or a fear to be noticed. A fear to be loved or a fear to go unloved. Each one of us, in our own way, has a fear of being...captivating. Doesn't that seem to contradict what God has told us about ourselves, about fear?

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Before reading Captivating, I would probably have laughed at the idea of being feminine. Me, feminine? You have to be kidding me! I hardly resemble a feminine woman. I never was one for frilly things. I hate the color pink, and can't stand to wear a skirt (much less a dress) other than when doing historical reenacting. I am by definition not a girly-girl. I squish spiders, swim in the mud (yes, I do!), and throw horse manure. I go barefoot in all kinds of weather, throughout all seasons, read books that are gross, depressing, and packed with violence (I do have a tendency to read melodramatic novels from the late 19th century); and I'd much rather listen to pop-rock, techno, or 80s music than a good classical soundtrack.

On the flip side, there are parts of me that, not matter how hard I try to put it on the back burner--the core of who I am and who God created me to be--my femininity can't help but shine through. I love dolls (I am 16 American Girl dolls); I crochet, embroider; I love to braid my hair, and take showers and smell divine (I have six different perfumes and body washes). Sewing and writing have always been a passion of mine; and I do a LOT of dreaming, laughing and smiling, singing to the top of my lungs, and twirling. I am loyal to the umpteenth degree, passionate, overly sensitive, and very, very stubborn!

But, as I look at all these things I have listed, these are characteristics of a feminine woman. These things are the things that make me uniquely feminine. It's my identity; and my own femininity in Christ allows me to be in a category all my own. I don't have to be one or the other. I can be a girl who likes loud rock music and a girl who twirls and longs to be admired. However confident I am in knowing that I can have my cake and eat it too, I am like all women. My heart has been broken and dragged through the mud. It's pulsating blood from old wounds that have failed to heal.

I remember when I was young asking myself as well as older females in my life how a woman of God could actually be confident, scandalous and beautiful, yet not portray herself as a feminist Nazi or an insecure I-need-attention emotional whore. How can I become a strong woman without becoming harsh? How can I be vulnerable without drowning myself in sorrow? (Captivating 5)

There is more to a woman than meets the eye. More to her life than tending to her house and children, putting food on the table, and being a helpmate to her husband. A woman is also a princess, "valiant and strong" (Captivating 3). But how can she be all this when she is struggling to mend a broken heart and is so closed-off, a shell put up around her person to guard her shredded heart?

While it's not all that simple, being able to be vulnerable and strong without overdoing it or while your heart is still very much bleeding, there is only one remedy. That remedy, of course, is knowing that "God created you [and I] as a woman" (Captivating 8).

Genesis 1:27

"God created man in his own image...male and female."

Ladies, there is no doubt in my mind that we were created for more than what we believe we were put here on this earth to do. Whatever it means to bare the image of God, Stasi Elderedge author of Captivating says that we bear God's image as a woman. Not only were we physically created in the image of God, but "[our] feminine heart[s]," she says, "[have] been created with the greatest of all possible dignities--as a reflection of God's own heart" (8).

Whoa. Talk about an eye opener. Our hearts, that's where it all starts; and it started with God who designed us to reflect a side of Him that no one else could do as good as a woman. So what is a woman, and what is it that her heart longs for? For one, a woman is captivating because of the great purpose she was made for. Secondly, a woman is the very essence of God (we'll get to this later). And thirdly, knowing that her heart is a reflection of God's self is only the beginning of her journey to discovering what it truly means to be a woman. As for the desires of a woman's heart; Stasi Eldredge mentions that there are three things: "to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty" (8). We are women of mystery. A grand and glorious mystery.

Captivating - Disc 1 by John & Stasi Eldredge on Grooveshark

>> 2012 Affirmation: Never give up for that is just the time and place the tide will turn.

>> one thousand gifts:

fleece socks
the little things in life
exhilarating movie soundtracks

*Find introduction, go to A Feminine Introduction.

do not give up

2012-01-16T13:25:00.002-06:00

Psa. 27:14

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord".

Another week of delays until I can be admitted to Renfrew . Seems like there are so many roadblocks in my way right now. As I take two steps forwards, I am thrown four steps back. It's frustrating. I hate venting to you all like this, but writing helps me to clear my mind.

The reason why I am unable to admit myself to Renfrew next week is-unfortunately-because I still have more allergy testing to have done before they'll be comfortable letting me join the program. They have a GF menu that I will be able to eat from, but they need to know for sure whether I have Celiac or not. That in itself is going to take some time-getting tested for Celiac; there's a slew of things that needs to be done!

See if the allergy doctor's office has sent their results to Renfrew (if they haven't already).
Have my allergy doctor schedule an appointment time for me to see the GI doctors for an endoscope test. (They said they would have an appointment time by TODAY. We'll see what they've gotten done when my mom calls them later.)
After GI test, have the GI doctor's office send results to Renfrew.
Talk to my Primary Physician about having a Hydrogen Breath Test (to see of I am, for certain, Lactose Intolerant).
Schedule the Hydrogen Breath Test.
Have my Physician send the results of the Hydrogen Breath Test to Renfrew.
Schedule an appointment to have a blood test and EKG done by my Physician.
Call Renfrew to see if they got all the results from the tests (hope so!).
Pick a date to start Renfrew (if all has gone well).
Wait and call doctors; call Renfrew again, and then pick a date to start.

The people at Renfrew mentioned at our second meeting that the reason they're having us wait a little longer is that they need to make sure they've covered all aspects of the medical side to me, so that they know what they can feed me without causing me to have an allergic reaction. Or worse, cause my fear of food to take a turn for the worse. So, it's totally understandable-the delay. It does, however, cause my moral to go down. The lesson out of this is to have patience, which for me, is something I have to work on! Galatians 6:9 says this (something I am trying to take to heart and keep in mind):

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

On another note, since I have been clinically diagnosed as having an allergy to oats and barley, I have been able to solidify in my mind my choice to go Gluten-Free. Plus, it show me and everyone else that I am not crazy! However, I still haven't been able to prove that I am Lactose Intolerant. And that scares me, because if I can't prove it, then Renfrew will make me drink/eat it. It's causing me to spazz! There is a test that my mom's going to have me do that will test for any lactose intolerance. What a peace of mind it will offer me to know for sure whether or not I am dairy free.

Ephesians 1:11-12

"In Christ we too have been claimed as God’s own possession, since we were predestined according to the one purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will so that we, who were the first to set our hope on Christ, would be to the praise of his glory".

Of course, God will provide all in due time. Until that time in which I am tested for such an intolerance, I will wait upon the Lord and put my faith in Him. Whatever the outcome is, I just have to trust that he knows best.

>> 2012 Affirmation - #3: I will be patient in steadily working toward my goal, remembering that all good comes in time.

>> one thousand gifts

almond butter
almond milk
his still and small voice

A Feminine Introduction

2012-01-15T07:00:00.004-06:00

Stasi Eldredge

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.”

In prelude to a series on captivating femininity, there are things that need to be brought to the surface before commencing delicately into a touchy subject that deals heavily with the matters of a girl's heart. I have been reading this truly transforming book by John and Stasi Eldredge called Captivating. This book and it's authors address some issues that have (and still do) plague the hearts of women, young and old.

To be a woman. What does it mean-to be a woman? Our idea of being a woman is being that perfect 1950s housewife, leading everyone to believe that everything is exactly what it seems. Perfect. Stasi Eldregde writes, "there has been precious little wisdom offered on the path to becoming a woman. Oh, we know the expectations that have been laid upon us by our families, our churches, and our cultures. There are reams of materials on what you ought to do to be a good woman. But that is not the same thing as knowing what the journey toward becoming a woman involves, or even what the goal really should be" (6).

Church even, carries out this unrealistic perception of the perfect woman. It's a huge part of the problem, sending a message to women, plastering it on our foreheads like a branding: YOU ARE HERE TO SERVE. THAT'S WHY GOD CREATED YOU: TO SERVE (Eldredge 6). We're all trying to live up to this unrealistic, fictional version (or model) of femininity. But do any of us know what being a woman is all about? Or do we simply chose to live by the standards of the world that they tell us we're useless unless we have dinner on the table at 5 o' clock, can manage to take care of 2.5 children, have a clean home, and are devoted wives; all this while holding down a full-time job.* Whoa.

Dear darlings, we are all destined to be women. Yes, women. But our soul's purpose is not to be a woman whose identity is wrapped up in materialistic things, or striving to be the woman that wins a Grammy award as best actress for pretending to be a paradisiacal housewife.

When I think of feminine, my mind automatically takes me to the roaring 1920s when a woman was expected to be the doormat for her man. A mother to her children. The chef cooking the food. The maid cleaning the house. All of the above. Granted women are still doing this today (maybe no longer doormats ), but the great thing about living in the 21st Century is that women have this beautiful freedom to go on an adventure of a lifetime that is liberating and freeing. This liberating journey is a journey towards discovering who we are in Christ, healing those deep and painful wounds, and coaxing that captivating princess to shine through our crumbling shells.

If you've ever wondered what makes a woman captivating, it's really quite simple. Stasi Eldgredge plainly states that the makings of a captivating woman is her heart. I like the message that Captivating preaches to women-young and old-about their purpose in life and the effect they are to have on the world. We have a job here on earth, sanctioned by God to be captivatingly beautiful, elegantly feminine; to be inviting, vulnerable, tender, merciful, and "also fierce and fiercely devoted" (30).

Girls, we've all had our hearts wounded. Life is harsh on a girl's heart. As well as a woman's. We grew up dreaming of fairy tales and sparkling ball gowns, talking mice and magical pumpkin carriages, dragons and knights in shinning armor. But, if you're like me, somewhere down the line those fanciful fairy tale dreams faded into the background, overshadowed by a deep and resentful pain. Those dreams have been locked up tight behind a stonewall of hidden, hardened emotions that say, "Don't notice me. I don't want to get hurt."

But the beauty of the way God looks at us is extraordinary. And if you will let Him, God will show you that being vulnerable is an essentially captivating part of a woman's beauty, because "every story has a Hero", says Stasi Eldredge, "just as Cinderella was invited to the ball, God is inviting you to a great Romance with Him. 'The eyes of her heart are ever upon you. The King is captivated by your beauty'"(inside cover).

>> 2012 Affirmation -#4:To be upset over what I don't have is to waste what I do have.

>> one thousand gifts:

the golden shimmers of sun through the clouds
the rhythmic chirping of frogs at sunset
dust bunnies under my bed

>> Song of the day:

Beautiful by Bethany Dillon on Grooveshark

>> Verse of the day

Zephaniah 3:17

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

*I am not implying that there needs to be a feminist movement. I am not in the least a feminist, but a girl striving to be feminine. I am not saying that taking care of the house, the kids, the husband, etc. is not or shouldn't be part of a woman's job description. But I am saying that there's more to a woman than her domestic duties, and I am just trying to encourage others to look deeper into what a woman's role is, especially the role she was meant to play for Christ.

to everything there is a season

2012-01-14T07:49:00.001-06:00

>>2012 Affirmation - #2: Though no one can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end.

>> one thousand gifts:

drooping flowers
fat cats
every one of those uniquely designed snowflakes fluttering outside my bedroom window

>>I woke up this morning to find that the Grape Hyacinth-that I had gotten mom as a general present-was killed in the middle of the night by two very huge, fat cats.I had bought those flowers as a means to supply this wintry home with a smidgen of spring. And now I have nothing to show for it except bare and withering flowers, mangled and dismantled leaves with discolored and drooping stems.

It was then that I realized how true the saying was, that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens"-Ecclesiastes 3:1-3.

While I don't know if it was the season for murderous actions committed by two likely culprits, bound together by some plant-eating brotherhood, but I do know there is a time for everything on this earth. And whether we want it to happen, or it simply happens because it's the right time for it to happen, I try to remember to take joy in all that is happening.

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

¹⁵ Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.^[b]

Not always having everything go your way has a tendency to blind us to what is really important-that whatever God has in store for us should be what we should want. Happiness isn't awlays found in the most likely of places, or from receiving what we wanted. Sometimes, happiness is found in the journey not the destination! Thusly, I think it's fitting to end this post with a little reminder: enjoy every moment and live to the fullest for the Glory of God!!!

>> Song of the day:

Turn Turn Turn by To Everything There Is A Season) (The Byrds on Grooveshark

like a postage stamp

2012-01-13T07:34:00.001-06:00

>> 2012 Affirmation- #1: Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.

>> one thousand gifts:

rainbows
wiskers on kittens
dell inspiron

>> Is it alright to be excited that treatment is so close in hand? And is it alright to be dissapointed when it's snatched out of your hands just as fast? Getting into Renfrew as been a jolting ride of twists and turns, ups and downs. One minute I am going into the Out-Patient Program, the next it's In-Patient. Now we'ere back to the Out-Patient, but are having to wait for medical results to come back is another set-back that I have to deal with, as well as the tests having to be redone, the doctors not doing their job right, or the nurses sticking me in the arm where there is no vein!

All of this, of course, is just God's way of teaching me patience, and the value of time. Sometimes, while sitting at my computer and staring blankly at the screen, I wonder why God has chosen to use this situation in my life to teach me the lessons of life. It never crosses my mind that through our choices God creates a beautiful ending. And even though there are still consequences for the actions, there's beauty on the other side.

I love what Psalm 37:7-9 has to say about patience. It's comforting to read such wise words from such a spiritual man like King David:

"Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret, it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, But those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land."

I admire eagles for their resilience and power. As a little girl I wanted to be one so that I could soar high in the sky, away from all my troubles and worries. In my mind I imagine them to be free-thinkers, easy-going and unaware of the chaos that goes on down below them. They're free. And I want that-to be free.

Amazing...what I've been learning from 2011-2012. God has been merciful to me, and His grace is more than sufficient for a broken, bleeding, mending heart like mine. Time and again, when my world seems to be crashing down around me, and I feel that all hope is lost, I turn to my favorite verse, Isaiah 40:31, and dwell upon the beautiful words:

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary."

>>While I'm at it, I wanted to share with you all my new "monthly" favorite song from Peter Furler called Psalm 23.

thankful

2012-01-12T07:37:00.002-06:00

Josh Groban sings a song called Thankful, and I thought it went well with the meaning of this post. Now, it's nothing really-this post. Only a listing of the three things I am thankful for today.

Source: dearfriendblog.com via aeb. on Pinterest

Starting the one thousand gifts has opened my eyes to the little blessings in life that I often took for granted. It's unbelievable how beautiful some of the blessings are that I have failed to find joy in.

But that's going to be different this year. I will not let those big, or small blessings pass me by without once stopping to look at them. Or smell the roses!

my brother
my sister
zinnias growing every year in my back yard

Thankful by Josh Groban on Grooveshark

at home

2012-01-11T15:07:00.000-06:00

I am at home today trying to stay busy with the chores my mom has left for me to do. I know I have already posted this morning about the things I am thankful for today, but I am blogging merely to occupy myself while I take a break. Of all the things I have to do today, I decided to test out a new cookie and bread recipe that is both gluten free and dairy free.

Finding delicious gluten free recipes for baked goods can be a trifle. The recipe either consist of a strange flavor, rawness, an interesting texture, so utterly flawed the thing you intended to bake is beyond recognition, or that cookie that was supposed to look like a cookie looks more like Mount. Rushmore instead. It's difficult to get satisfying results, and even harder to get that delectable taste we're used to getting from foods that contain gluten.

So how did my cookies and bread fare? Let's not go there with the whole bread thing. Been there done that; I don't know why I keep trying to follow bread recipes when I know they're not going to turn out. My hopes are dashed. This is why I am going to stick to using King Arthur's magical bread mix. No, really. It's magical. If you've ever had Udi's bread you know that's stuff is the bomb, but compared to the amazing of King Arthur's bread mix...well, let's just say Udi's doesn't compare.

As for the cookies. My Aunt Shae actually made some out of Pamela's yellow cake mix that was far better than the ones I made (crispy goodness!!!!), but they're fairly good considering they were made from scratch-no help from prepackaged magic. The cookie recipe was actually simple compared to others I have tried in the past. The dough is bitter (no cookie dough eating here). And it's lacking in sweetness a bit (needs chocolate!); or you could do what I did and smother them with powdered sugar right after they come out of the oven.

For one of the better sugar cookies I have found, I used a recipe from a small booklet called Gluten-Free Baking by Esther N. Byler. The prep time for this recipe is minimal, as well as the cook time. So, so simple! And the best part about them is that they bake in whatever shape you form them into. And, if you add just the right amount of moisture (you'll need to add a few teaspoons of water or milk because the dough can be a bit crumbly), you can roll it out and cut the dough into cute shapes! A truly cool sugar cookie.

WHEAT FREE (GLUTEN FREE) SUGAR COOKIES

1/2 c. butter
1/4 c. honey
2/3 c. raw sugar (I used turbinado sugar)
2 t. vanilla
2 T. lemon juice (worked just fine without it, though it might have helped with the crumbliness of my dough!)
3 t. baking powder
2 large eggs
2 1/2 c. rice flour
1/3 c. potato starch
1/4 c. tapioca starch (I used cornstarch)
1 t. x-gum
1 t. salt
Combine butter, honey, sugar, vanilla, and lemon juice. Beat until smooth. Add eggs and beat well. If not smooth enough, add water (or milk) by tablespoonful until right thickness. Can be made into chocolate chip cookies or different flavors. Bake at 325 degrees for 10-12 minutes, or until done. (No greasing of pans are needed).

Guess I'll get back into exploring the semi-uncharted world of gluten free dining. I wonder...could I eventually make Date Pinwheels? Oooh, that would be mighty fine. Whelp, gotta go.

count my blessings instead of sheep

2012-01-11T08:24:00.002-06:00

I have been blessed with so many gifts. So many in fact, that I have been so blind to many of them; especially the small ones. They all seem so insignificant bundled so tightly together that often the smaller, more intricate ones are the ones that I need to take the time to admire and be really thankful for.

"I count my blessings instead of sheep...And I fall asleep counting my blessings." Bing Crosby

Count Your Blessings by Bing Crosby on Grooveshark

So here's my three things I am thankful for today. I probably should wait and do this at night, but like the lyrics above state...I counted my blessings last night and know exactly what I am thankful for today.

dragonflies
music
whispers

1 thousand gifts

2012-01-10T15:52:00.002-06:00

This year equals blessings in disguise oozing a fresh, pungent fragrance. This year, the pasts will be buried in the past, and futures will be allowed to flourish. This year trials and tribulations will try to weaken my faith. This year, faith, hope, and love will be lessons learned and blessings gained. This year, I will take life one step at a time. This year, my word is JOY-I will find joy in all aspects of my life. And this year, God's essence will flow through me as I learn to be the captivating woman he designed me to be!

Blessings are around us. And if we stop and look closely, we will find more to be thankful for than just the average ordinary things we're used to being thankful for. These new blessings we become aware of throughout the year of 2012 may not be extraordinary, but they will be lovely little gifts from God-those little things that make life sweet.

Inspired by Elizabeth Rose's post, I have decided to take the Joy Dare in 2012. Battling an eating disorder-and straddling the fence between life and death-has opened my eyes (and made me extremely aware) to the little blessings that I have never stopped to notice, and have regretfully taken for granted. In my daily life discontent is a deeply rooting seed that needs to be cut out at the source before it can grow into a tree. I have found this one thousand gifts to be a captivating way for me to do just that.

Mrs. Voskamp over at A Holy Experience has challenged all of us to record 1000 gifts or blessings in 365 days. That's only three blessings a day! Simply, right? I'll be recording them in a daily post, as well as on a page in my navigation bar, which will be updated every day as I add new things to the list.

As Elizabeth Rose stated at the end of her post, "This is not something for the faint of heart. This is for those of you who want to live wholly, intentionally, and God-centered. So will you take up the Joy Dare with me and dare to find 1000 blessings in twenty twelve?" (Living On literary Lane)

the simple life

2012-01-05T17:27:00.000-06:00

Source: mylittlethings.tumblr.com via Hannah on Pinterest

Source: ruffledblog.com via Hannah on Pinterest

Source: summergoals.tumblr.com via Christine on Pinterest

Source: everyday-serendipities.tumblr.com via Emily on Pinterest

Source: ohpioneer.com via Bree on Pinterest

morning reflections

2012-01-03T07:11:00.002-06:00

Morning time is always a good time for me to reflect on what happened yesterday. So much happened all at once that I am still trying to make sense of it all.

I've been on a journey with these allergies for eight years-since I was 12. It's been painful. Uncomfortable. Annoying to the umpteenth degree. But I had no other choice other than to muddle through and deal with the problem the best I could.

In the beginning of all this allergy stuff, it appeared to me that the people I told this strange revelation about either didn't believe me, chalked it up to me being a kid, or that it was all in my head. I felt alone in this.

For a long time that's exactly how I felt. My mom began to realize later that these complaints were more than just a child trying to get attention. I was serious. The pain was only getting worse. And my only solution was to go on living a normal life, ignoring the pain, avoiding certain foods, and in some cases, not eating at all-which I believe is the start of my long battle with eating disorders. (I can't be for sure, though. But I do recall a period of time when I refused to eat. I dropped 15lbs in a month when I was 13.)

Of course you know what happened after all those years of trying to take matters into my own hands and solve my allergy issue on my own. It turned into Bulimia. Full-on Bulimia; and it was raging like a wild fire. While it's simmered down, it's still there. But God is good to me. So I am getting help. And soon!

Last night my mom took me aside and apologized for not getting me to an allergy specialist sooner when the symptoms turned up. I can't blame her, or my dad for the delay. I can't even blame myself. It's not my parents fault. They were doing what any parent would do for their child-exhaust all avenues and possibilities. My mom and dad are those leave-no-stone-unturned sort of parents.

I never once has any bad thoughts towards them in regards to not having taken me in sooner. It's just a part of life. And I believe that this was all in God's plan. He's writing my story; knows it better than I do, in fact. This stage in my life is another chapter to the great book called Emily's Journey: A Daughter of the King.

Because this discovery, and new understanding of my allergies, things are looking up. Had there not been a delay I may not be Bulimic, I may not be afraid of food. But I also may not have a flourishing relationship with my mom, a healing relationship with my dad, a more in-sync relationship with my sister, and a mending relationship with my brother.

I take it that God uses every aspect of our lives to bring forth His purpose. While our sins will never be glorified, sometimes the outcome is what I like to call A Beautiful Disaster. God is good.

today

2012-01-02T20:59:00.002-06:00

2012 could not have had a better start. Chilling out from a hot shower, watching Mrs. Winterbourne (adoring the young Brendan Fraser), and I cannot believe how marvelous our God is!

LISTENING TO: You Are-Tenth Avenue North

QUOTE: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel."- Maya Angelou

So, today I had an allergy test scheduled at ASAP. It was a 4 hour test, but it went well.

While I was there they tested me for various food allergies. Turns out that I am not allergic to as many things as I thought.

But I am allergic to barley and oats. My mom and I think we've stumbled on a miraculous revelation. I am not allergic to wheat AT ALL. Now, even though I am not allergic to wheat, that doesn't rule out the possibility that I have Celiac Disease (I hope not!).

In addition, there happens to be barley in everything just like gluten and wheat. So I am still on a gluten free diet. And I still have to be careful because there's barely and malt and rye (another allergy food!) in even some gluten free foods.

With all this happening so fast-which is what I want in order to get into Renfrew ASAP-I still wonder: could this mean Celiac Disease in my future?

I am not for sure, but I am going to go to a G.I doctor soon for an endoscope test. With all fingers crossed, I am hoping for something to happen. Either something will show up, or nothing will.

I feel better knowing that we're headed in the right direction and that I can move on and work on my food fears.

it's astonishing

2011-12-31T16:00:00.000-06:00

how fast the year can pass us by without once stopping to let us
embrace the full splendor of its immaculate beauty.

Maybe that is for us to take into our own hands....

If the year will not slow down for us, then we might need to slow down for it.

Two moving objects, traveling at relatively the same speed, have difficulty seeing one another as they pass by.

One must slow down to see the other. For example: while driving it is almost impossible to see a single blade of grass, lest you were to stop, get out, and examine the ground.

Those who choose to live life in the slow lane (whether in life or in the car) tend to see things that those who speed do not--life.

Because the we-the car-are going at such a fast speed, it is difficult for us to focus on one thing outside of our little fast-paced world.

The speed blurs out vision. It makes it hard for us to see the splendor that life has to offer.

We're missing so much by not taking the time to just enjoy living.

Slow down. Enjoy life. Live it to the fullest. Don't merely just exist.

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR! Good-bye 2011; you've been both a struggle and a blessing.

dream bathroom

2011-12-31T09:10:00.002-06:00

I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Not actually in front of the mirror-I actually hate looking at myself-, but to take hot showers and bubble baths. You know; the good, relaxing, end-of-the-day-get-all-the-dirt-and-grim-off-of-me meditation stuff every girl loves!

I don't often soak in the tub. The water becomes lukewarm too fast for me. So when I do "soak" I usually wish I could read, or write while in the tub. It's a messy, disturbing thought for a writer/book carnosaur. The book could get wet, become unreadable. The pages of text that has been thoughtfully prepared may be lost forever. Which is why a cute, rustic tub table is a must in my dream bathroom.

I am a floral girl. I also like lots of color. So this soft, yet bright spring green is a perfect color for a tranquil, but vibrant bathroom. And the wall art is definitely a plus; I love nature prints.

A nifty organization idea? I think so! It's an old tool box converted into a towel/bath soap/spa organizer that frees up counter and cabinet space. It's also a cool way to decorate the walls. Love the blue and green color combo.

What a cute way to reuse old faucet nobs. It makes the rustic, refurbished wood look awesome, and somewhat more modernized with it's sleek, white design. I love how it's a combination of storage and decor. Smart!

If there is only one thing you take away from this post, it's that I love bold patterns and colors. Black isn't my favorite color, but paired with the pure, sweet, freshness of the color white and cream, I think I can handle it. Both patterns on these soap dishes are intriguing. I want them so bad!

I actually have another sink down below. I posted this one to show off the beautiful tile. This bathroom is so sweet and simple. However, it's a little to french countryside to me.

I had to laugh at this one. Not because it was silly, but because I never thought about using these shoe mold as towel hangers. Nifty!

Tada. The queen of the bathroom-the tub. Isn't it a spectacular piece? If only in my dream bathroom, I so wish I could soak my tired feet in this tub. it's epic. (This is the overall look and feel I want for my dream bathroom. White, fresh; some bold patterns and colors as accents throughout. A rustic spa retreat.)

Look past everything else and direct your eyes to the sink. Can you guess what the sink stand was make out of? Yep. An old table! I love how people take something old and turn it into a piece that is still useful, but has a whole new life and purpose.

Now, I know I have a tub, but it doesn't have a shower! Ideally, I'd like a shower/tub all-in-one, but sometimes it's impossible to get everything one wants. (I couldn't find pictures of tubs and showers together.) So I decided to go with this shower. I like the look. It still goes well with the rustic feel I want to go for. Do you see the jets on this thing?!!!

handle of anxiety

2011-12-30T07:07:00.001-06:00

Lately I have been finding myself to be a little more nervous than usual. Ha-ha...that sounded kind of odd. I mean, how much more anxious can one be when they're dealing with a life threatening addiction? (I refuse to call it an illness or a disease. It's something that can be overcome completely). Obviously I can come pretty close to trying if I have a mind to do it.

But it's no good to dwell on the "what-ifs" in life. Especially when they haven't even happened yet. Being anxious, nervous, or stressed, I tend to turn to the so-called creature comforts that Bulimia provides (these have been getting fewer and fewer as I come to terms with some things).

Certainly not a hostage situation infused with self-mutilation practices. Does it really help me in the long run? No. Short-term? Yes, I guess. It's a strange question to be asking myself. Either way, it's harmful, disrespectful, and a violation of the body God created to be His temple.

I don't know for sure what's going to take place at Renfrew (a step-down program for girls with ED). That's what has me all squeamish inside.

What-IF...

what-IF...

(My life is beginning to sound like that Snoopy LIFE commercial on TV!)

Worry. Not a healthy way to deal with the unknown. And purging does not have the power to change the outcome of the future. Or rewrite my past. Or heal my bleeding heart.

Henry Ward Beecher says it best:

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.

It's so true, what Beecher has to say. I have to remind myself of that very fact on a day-to-day basis. I can accept anxiety and allow it to consume my entire life. Or I can grasp tightly to the "handle of faith" and let it fill my soul.

Which one sounds better: faith or anxiety? Uh, definitively FAITH!

Thus, I would like to leave you all with a new-found favorite of mine; a verse in Hebrews.While I may not know all that's going to happen with the Renfrew situation, it's my job to relax and have faith that God's hand is in all of this. That "He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" [Philippians 1:6].

I have to trust that God knows best. I have to rest in the fact that because I am still alive when I probably shouldn't be is a sign that there are greater things in store for me. I have to have FAITH.

Do not now throw aside that former joyful confidence of yours. It carries with it a great reward. It is absolutely necessary that you should remain constant if you are ready to do the will of God and receive the promised blessings. [Hebrews 10:35-36]

photography: sun prints

2011-12-28T11:42:00.000-06:00

Since my photography excursion in my photography class, I learned how to make Cyanotypes (aka: sun prints)--a process used in photography that uses the sun to expose the image.

I personally enjoyed the Cyanotype process of photography more than I did the actual digital photo process (i.e. taking the photos, manipulating them in Photoshop, editing, etc.). It was relaxing, and a good excuse to get a sun tan!

I was able to make a book out of my Cyanotypes in class during the Fall 2011 semester. It was absolutely my favorite assignment! I loved the mixing of the chemicals; the painting of the mixed chemicals onto the heavy duty watercolor paper; the process of letting the painted chemicals dry in complete darkness (if you let the sun hit the chemical-paper, then it'll turn colors before you're ready!); and also the process of making a darling print out of the very objects provided by nature.

In the process of finding a place that would carry the two chemicals I need in order to make my own at home, I ran across already coated papers (aka: sun print paper). It's easy and mess free. I thought that since I found the sites for these pre-coated papers, I'd give you all the links to check them out as well. Maybe it might be something you'd like to start as a hobby. (Just a suggestion. I am in love with this form of photography!).

You can get kits for sun prints on Amazon, and possibly eBay; however I found some inexpensive kits, and packages of 10-30 sheets of paper at these sites:

Happy Cyanotyping! I can't wait to try these pre-coated papers out and see if they match up to the real thing.

Wishing you wet noses, cozy bubble baths, and sloppy puppy kisses!

dream room

2011-12-27T07:27:00.030-06:00

I have a dream room.

Color.

Light.

Whimsical.

Bright.

Calming.

Serene.

Bold patterns.
Light colored wood floors.
Sky lights to add a flood of sun into my room!

Windows that stretch from wall-to-wall.
Bookshelves on all walls.
A comfy seat by the window, overlooking the vast expanse of God's creation.
(Good place to study...)

More windows? Yes!
And stairs to my loft...
With a slide to go down if I don't want to take the stairs.
(Hope I don't get a splinter in my bottom!)

And serenity.
Serene colors are good, but I'd like some pop of vivid color somewhere.
I do like the white, though.
And the windows. Again.
It looks so comfy! I want to jump in the bed right now.
(Better yet, I want to ride a wild mustang with William Wallace [aka: Mel Gibson!]*wink*)

Wishing you hugs, kisses, and kitten whiskers!

2011-12-25T11:33:00.002-06:00

Source: be-the-change.tumblr.com via Krista on Pinterest

have yourself a Merry little Christmas...

2011-12-23T09:17:00.002-06:00

let your hearts be light. From now on our troubles will be out of sight. Oh the joys of the Christmas season. No snow here in Tennessee, but I can just imagine sitting here at my kitchen table watching those little infant snowflakes transform into piles of deliciously cold and inviting snow drifts. And since I don't drink hot tea or Hot Cocoa or coffee, it excites my imagination to be able to dream about an iced Passion fruit tea as I contemplate this Christmas season. (Munching on a spicy-sweet, red and white candy cane is icing on the cake!)

But Christmas isn't entirely wrapped around the falling snow, or the delicious cups of flavored coffees, warm teas, or over-the-top chocolaty Hot Cocoa. It's about family, friends, the gift of giving, and the Ultimate Gift that was given to us on that fateful day, born of a virgin, laying in a manger inside a filthy barn.

Sometimes the words straight from the Bible tell the strongest story and show the deepest level of love God had for His creation. Thus, I cannot express to you all adequately enough how grateful I am for the gift of Jesus Christ.

Joseph Accepts Jesus as His Son

" ¹⁸ This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about^[a]: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹ Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet^[b] did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. ²⁰ But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. ²¹ She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,^[c]because he will save his people from their sins.”
²² All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ²³ “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”^[d] (which means “God with us”).
²⁴ When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. ²⁵ But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus." [Matthew 1:18-25]

The Magi Visit the Messiah

"¹ After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi^[a] from the east came to Jerusalem ² and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” ³ When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. ⁴ When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born. ⁵ “In Bethlehem in Judea,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written:
⁶ “‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for out of you will come a ruler
who will shepherd my people Israel.’^[b]”
⁷ Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared.⁸ He sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.”
⁹ After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. ¹⁰ When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. ¹¹ On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. ¹² And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route." [Matthew 2:1-12]

The Birth of Jesus Foretold

"²⁶ In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, ²⁷ to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. ²⁸ The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” ²⁹ Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. ³⁰ But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. ³¹ You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. ³² He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, ³³ and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
³⁴ “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
³⁵ The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called^[a] the Son of God. ³⁶ Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. ³⁷ For no word from God will ever fail.”
³⁸ “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her." [Luke 1:26-38]

The Birth of Jesus

"¹ In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ² (This was the first census that took place while^[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register. ⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. ⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” ¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, ¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” ¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” ¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told." [Luke 2:1-20]

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Start making those resolutions now, but don't make them so hard to stick to that you never accomplish any of them. I know I have a hard resolution to stick to, but it's going to be worth it in so many ways!!!!!!

role of a writer.

2011-12-21T17:52:00.000-06:00

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Nin

Listening To: Bro and Sis talk about Twilight vs. LOTR
Quote: If barbie is so popular....then why do you have to buy her friends?

My imperishable dream is to be a novelist like Jane Austen or James F. Cooper, or any of those marvelous creative geniuses that have written captivating, stirring, defining works of art.

To have the words flow from my pen to the paper below in a swift, smooth motion. Like when water trickles over the stones in a creek bed. I want my writing to be a refined and polished as those rocks touched by the water's smooth edge.

In order to do that, however, I have found the polished writings of all authors first started with a rough, unrefined shell, which then over the years, with much practices, time, and patience, blossomed into something grand. Something to be noted as a spectacular work among the artists.

One tip I can offer you all is this:

WRITE. WRITE. WRITE.

Write often. Consistency is the key. And perfect practice makes perfect.

And now I leave you all, until my next tip, with some of my favorite links...

These are links that I have discovered. They offer helpful tips and worksheets for outlining novels, essays, as well as ideas, prompts, etc.

Just to name a few!

Also, here's a video I ran across on YouTube. I thought it was cool, because some major authors give advice on how to write a novel, etc. Insightful, and inspirational.

No anxiety. No worry. No fear. No hesitation.

2011-12-18T08:20:00.001-06:00

This year the Christmas seasons seems to be on xfinity turbo boost! It's coming upon us so fast that I can hardly remember what I did last Christmas season. However, I am jumping for joy because Wednesday was the LAST day of school! Can you believe it? I can scarcely believe it myself. It was almost the middle of December and school was just letting out. CRAZY!

Listening to: Sleigh Ride-Any Grant

Quote: Grandma (Esther) Walton: Rise and shine, you two!

Jason Walton: I'll rise, but I sure won't shine.

Glorious days, O glorious days!

The Lord has been ever so good to me this semester of college. It's not my first rodeo, but it sure did feel like it! I felt like a fish out of water this semester it wasn't even funny.

It was my first time taking a class on campus. A photography class at that, too! Stressful. And then I had African American History and Creative Writing.

I know I aced all three classes, but I can't help but feel anxious, on-edge, and very much ready to collapse. The weight of this semester is going to come crashing down on top of me tomorrow, and I'm not sure I can handle that.

However, with ever fiber of my being, and the help of God, I must cleave to these words (or I am a dead girl!):

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." [Philippians 4:6]

No anxiety. No worry. No fear. No hesitation.

That Wednesday when school let out my mom and I went to see a counselor. She was very blunt, and informative. But I was so thrilled to have someone be so forceful in saying that Bulimia "is no joke". And boy do I know that!

So before the counselor can help my any further, I need to go get some intensive help. Hence the reason why I am going to be visiting (or rather my counselor suggested we go see) a psychologist, in the hopes of being put on some anxiety meds for short-terms reasons. (To help me deal with one thing at a time without wigging out!).

I am all for whatever needs to be done to save my life.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." [(Matthew 16:25]

Also, this Wednesday I am going to visit Renfrew in Franklin, TN. A home for girls with various ED. My counselor says that I may need to stay there for at least 2-3 weeks minimum. I am a little scared about that, but with all these tools God is sending my way, it's hard to deny God His right to send healing my way....regardless if I deserve such a gift or not. I will take what He sees fit to give me, and in return I will continue to put my faith and trust in Him.

I am optimistic this Christmas season. Do not pity me or fret for me, for I am being taken care of by the Great Physician. I only ask for your prayers that by this time next year, I will be able to proudly state that "I beat Bulimia".

I will. I will. I will!

I hope you all have a marvelous, magical Christmas, my lovelies. 'Tis the season to be jolly, so stand up straight, walk proudly, and share with everyone you meet a kind word, simple gesture, or a huge Merry-Christmas-Jesus-Loves-You smile!

gray days. gluten free hamentashen. jason gray

2011-12-12T17:08:00.002-06:00

I have mentioned that I have been in a bit of a relapse rut lately. But things are looking up; I praise God for that! I continually have to stop myself and ask myself "Do I want to get well?" or "Would I rather live this way forever, miserable and sick?"

It's a choice I am reminded of daily by my parents, and brother and sister. It's a decision regardless of whether or not I'm out of it or not. The flush of the toilet, and what I do in the amount of time it takes for the potty water to go down the drain ultimately stands between me and living whole again.

Before I even touch the handle of the toilet, my dad told me that this question should always come to my mind (and I try to repeat this question with every flush of the toilet I make): "What is it I want-to stay in this rut with the possibility that I may not live to graduate from college, or get married, or have kids, or die old and gray? Or do I want to live badly enough that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to beat Bulimia?"

Without a shout of doubt, God is working in my life to better His kingdom. He's blessing me; showing me the wonders of His marvelous hands, trying to grab my attention so that this little lost sheep might come back to her Father.

Today I cling to this verse, in which I have found a great deal of comfort and joy:

"For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” [Luke 19:10].

And every second of every waking moment, God is reminding me who I am. He's also showing me who I am supposed to be: a spunky, energetic, faithful servant who is loyal, just, kind, and above all, a daughter of Heaven.

Which brings me to one of today's favorite musical numbers by Jason Gray titled Remind Me Who I Am.

Lastly, I wanted to share today's favorite recipe called Hamentashen. It's gluten-free and a recipe that I intend to make when I am fully recovered from Bulimia! Doesn't it look delish?

One bite at a time....that's how I plan to conquer this battle (along with the help of my family, and my wonderful High King!).

Makes 24
6 tablespoons (63g) potato starch
6 tablespoons (60g) superfine brown rice flour
1/2 cup (60g) tapioca starch/flour
5 tablespoons + 1 teaspoon (45g) sorghum flour
1 1/2 tablespoon (17g) potato flour (not potato starch)
7 1/2 tablespoons (75g) sweet rice flour
1 teaspoon (4 g) xanthum gum
1/2 cup (3 oz or 86g) chopped nuts
1 cup (7.5 oz or 210g) sugar
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon orange zest
1/2 cup (4 oz or 112g) butter or margarine, cut into 8 pieces
1/2 cup (4 oz or 112g) shortening, cut into 8 pieces
2 beaten eggs
2-4 tablespoons orange juice
1 egg + 1 Tablespoon water, lightly beaten
Fillings of choice (It is important that the fillings are not too runny. If using pie fillings or other canned fillings (like the Solo ones) the consistency should be fine. If using fruit preserves stir cornstarch into the preserves until they look slight

DIRECTIONS
1.    Pulse the flours, xanthum gum, baking powder, salt, sugar, nuts and orange zest in the food processor until well combined.
2.    Add the margarine/butter and shortening and pulse until mixture resembles a coarse meal. Add the beaten eggs and pulse until combined.
3.    Remove the mixture from the food processor and pour it into a large bowl. Sprinkle with two tablespoons of orange juice and mix until it comes together into a ball. If the dough seems dry add the remaining orange juice.
4.    Divide the dough into three pieces, form each piece of dough into a disk, and wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate at least 1 hour.
5.    Preheat the oven to 350.
6.    Roll out each section of dough between two sheets of parchment paper. Place the dough (still in the parchment) on a cookie sheet and freeze for 10 minutes. Remove one sheet of dough from the freezer. Remove the top piece of parchment and cut into circles using a round cutter or the mouth of a drinking glass. Transfer circles to a parchment lined cookie sheet. Fill each circle with a small amount of filling. (For 2 1/2 inch circles use about a teaspoon of filling). Brush each circle with the egg wash and fold two sides together, pinching tight to make a corner. Fold up the remaining side to make a triangle with the filling showing in the middle and pinch the other two corners well. It is important that they are well pinched, so that they do not come open in the oven. If the dough becomes too sticky, freeze it for a few minutes to re-chill it. Re-roll and freeze scraps. Repeat with remaining sheets of dough.
7.    Bake the hamentashen until they are slightly firm to the touch, about 11 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and cool completely.

Looks like it's time for me to make a dash for the couch, a crochet project, a cozy lime green fleece blanket, and a cup of O.J!

Love ya!

The Dragonfly Project

2011-12-11T16:45:00.001-06:00

I am passionate about a lot of things. But lately my passion has been for crochet. I started crocheting this past summer after begin inspired by two super amazing women from my brother's football team. It wasn't long before I was intrigued, and itching to attempt such a "difficult" feat.

After searching on YouTube (I love YouTube) I started doing the basic single crochet stitch and was instantly "hooked". Ever since I have been making cozies for mugs and laptops, cowls, wash clothes, bath puffs, and coasters.

If you didn't know, there are some ED treatment centers that are integrating certain crafts into their system as a way to help girls gain a sense of accomplishment. It's also a good way to distress and get a handle on anxiety issues. (Maybe that's why I have become a crazed crocheter...?).

Believe it or not, it really does work wonders, because it has allowed me to get lost in something nondestructive and completely positive. I wouldn't have made a whole five days without it. It is even helping me through my relapse rut. (Although having every-other-day talks with my parents really helps the most).

Since I have become kind of addicted to crocheting, I've decided to start up my own little cause dedicated to all those girls who suffer from Bulimia. One of the main factors that I am dealing with as a side-effect of my Bulimia (although I think girls with anorexia deal with this more frequently)-- I have other issues on top of my ED that result in a painful intolerance to the cold.

Thus I have decided to crochet afghans for those suffering with Bulimia. I want to be able to ave the afghans given directly to girls suffering with Bulimia, but also those with Anorexia if all possible. (I would never deny anyone the pleasure of being able to stay warm, even if they don't have quiet the same issues as myself. Anorexics deserve to be shown love just as much as Bulimics do!).

So, I am hoping that Mercy Ministries will allow me to crochet afghans and give them directly to the girls in their facilities. If that isn't possible, maybe they'll at least allow me to drop them off to be given to the girls by the staff. I'm awaiting an answer from Mercy Ministries, but I am hopeful. Not only would this benefit me in the long run--doing something for others--but it'll help girls who need love and are disparate to stay warm.

I have named this crochet for a cure: The Dragonfly Project. Due to my fascination with these beautiful creatures and what they symbolize, it only seemed fitting that this crocheting for a cause be named after these intricate and marvelous insects.

If you would like to be a part of The Dragonfly Project by crocheting and/or knitting an afghan, you are more than welcome to email me at onelife.92@comcast.net for more specific details.

And if you aren't a knitter or crocheter, then I encourage you to make a donation to help those of us who do know how to crochet and/or knit. You will be making a positive contribution to helping girls feel warmer and more loved!

Thank you. :D

alive.

2011-12-11T12:01:00.003-06:00

Listening To: Listen to the Sound by Building 429
Quote: "Santa Claus is gonna take one look at that bird poop and he's gonna head right back up the chimney."-John-Boy Walton

Sunny days, chilling mornings; chewing a piece of my favorite gum, and listening to blaring Christmas disco are the miracles of my life. The fact that God has blessed me with another day to enjoy such little splendors astounds me. I am humbled.

Through the ups and downs of life, I cannot think of a better way to spend my life than worshiping my Jesus for all that He has done, and is doing in my life.

As of right now I have a hard time keeping positive when I know for certain there will be days in which I will undoubtedly relapse. It may seem an easy fix for some-just going cold turkey and resisting the urge to vomit.

However, I cannot explain this unnerving, unnamed feeling that I have when the urge to vomit overcomes me. I get lost. As if I am not even there. What triggers this is unknown to me, but it's not a feeling I can put my finger on and say "this is what I was feeling at the time". I don't have a feeling, really. At least not one that I can put a name to.

It's frustrating.

But, I have to keep holding on to that new hope. I have to cling tightly to God, have faith in His timing, and His grace. He will never leave me...but it's my job to meet Him half way. And I am having a hard time doing that, because I get to discouraged with myself when I do relapse.

And before I leave for the day, I want to share with you a verse that has really been a true comfort to me:

"Rest in Him finding peace and assurance that all will unfold beautifully for God will work all things for the good for those who love Him" [Romans 8:28].

Dear Jesus,
I am lost, but thankful to be alive and blessed.
I am a sinner, Lord, but I pray that you will forgive me.
Help me, give me strength and courage to conquer this battle.
Amen

There was a time I was dead inside.
You'd call my name and I'd try to hide.
My heart was dark and so full of shame,
Full of shame.

But like the dawning of a brand new day
Your love has chased my shame away.
How amazing, now I hear You singing over me!
Over me!

Loudly, I sing
Loudly, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Well, every day I find Your mercy new.
And every moment that I spend with You
I am overwhelmed by Grace I can't keep to myself!
To myself!

Loudly, I sing
Loudly, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Loudly, I sing
Loudly, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Out of my sorrow, out of my night,
You called me into Glorious Light.
Where all of the lost, lonely and broken
Find Your Light.
Shine Your Light.

Loudly, I sing
Loudly, I live
Giving You all I have to give, Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive

Loudly, I sing
Loudly, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive! Yeah,
I'm alive, I'm alive, yeah!

things I love-frogs

2011-12-08T07:57:00.000-06:00

So they're not exactly pink, but I thought this was too cute not to post. :)

I had a little jumping frog.
I trained to come and go.
We enjoyed each other's company.
and I often told her so.
She lived out in my garden,
in a clump of grass you see.
And she ate the bugs and insects.
that often bothered me.

She was busy in the early morn,
a hopping everywhere.
Of helping keep my garden clean,
of pests unwanted there.

When the sun rose high,
she hopped for home,
this frog had done her best,
And stayed till the cool of the eve,
till the sun had gone to rest.

Then when evening came,
she roamed about,
a hopping here and there.
She croaked a funny little tune,
that made me be aware.Of the beauty of God's creation,
in a garden that pleases me.
Of fruit and vegetables of every kind,
and this frog for company.

Take time to learn about nature,
and all that God has made.
Enjoy a little bit of heaven on earth,
in the outdoors every day.It will keep you happy and healthy,
and chase the blues away you see.
A little bit of outside happiness,
is what every body needs.

My Frog Poems - By © Al Albrecht

Yule Fest

2011-12-07T07:23:00.000-06:00

December third was Yule Fest at our local historical site. I was one of the volunteers there helping serve and decorate and bake goodies!

Mrs. Mary Lane Scott took some snazzy pictures of my family before the event started.

Here they are (my face is the only one that changes in both photos).

Yes. Laugh out loud. My facial expressions are hilarious! lol.

Holding on to a new hope.

2011-12-06T19:10:00.001-06:00

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

Today I am holding on to a new hope. A hope of a healthier, brighter future. Not to excite any pity, but it has been difficult living in my own skin these past two years. So much resentment and anger has been festering inside of me-towards myself.

I got another call from my doctor. After two blood tests thus far in a matter of, what two weeks, this most recent blood test (#3) came back stating that my potassium level was on the verge of becoming a more serious issue than it already was.

Actually, this test result showed that my potassium level was lower than the first two. It was 2.5! Not that I am excited about that number in the least-it was gut wrenching-but after what happened today I am singing only praises to my God!

Instead of filling up on O.J like last time, I was told to go straight to the ER. That news sent a surge of panic though my spine. I was so bewildered that I couldn't even cry like I wanted to. I spent about an hour and a half at Vanderbilt Hospital downtown, and then signed out. I never did get checked out. The wait there was four hours long! So my mom and dad took me to our local ER in Hendersonville where I was seen in thirty minutes tops.

The local ER took another blood test (#4) and came back to tell me that my potassium was still low, but that it was no where near a 2.5. It was 2.8; a livable number. They gave me a pill and a prescription to take. Now my goal is to keep down my food-which by the way, today is day number four that I have been able to keep my food down!!!!!-and keep that potassium level up.

Please continue to pray that God will help me heal and make progress in my recovery. I am more than confident that what all has gone on lately is a product of His mighty hand. God does answer prayers; He's answering mine. And what I am learning is that He doesn't always answer prayers in the time we think the should be answered. Sometimes those answers come a lot later than expected, but just at the right time!

Dear Father,
I am blessed far beyond what I deserve.
You have shown me the wonders of your ways today, Lord.
And have given me a new hope to cling to.
Thank you.

Wake up to the morning light
wipe away the lonely nights
let a brand new day wash over you,
Wanna see you smile again
show some love to your crazy friends
wipe your tears away
those days are through

If you move just a little bit closer you can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus:]

So baby hold on
just another day or twoI can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you can hold on, to the one that's holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through

We're breaking through
We're breaking through

Wake up to the morning sun
thank the Lord for the
things He's done
lift your eyes up to the
hope that's ever true
Wanna see you smiling girl
you're a light in this jaded world
wipe away those tears
this one's for you
Come on, move a little bit closer, you can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

And the stars are up there
shining for you
oh, the Father does adore you
His love will never change
And you and I
we were born to follow
the hope that will lead us to tomorrow
and no one can take it away

So baby hold on
just another day or two
I can see the clouds are
moving faster now
and the sun is breaking through
If you could hold on
to the one that's holding you
there is nothing that can stop this crazy, crazy love from breaking [x2]
You see the clouds are
moving faster now
the clouds are moving faster

You see the clouds are
moving faster now
And the sun is breaking through

We're breaking through

things I love-scarves

2011-12-05T11:49:00.000-06:00

I love scarves. But I hate wearing them. I think they're so cute and warm looking. :D

ScarvesIn the bazaar of a distant country, you can try on a scarf and consider yourself in a handmirror. What is as easy and agreeable, far from home, as a silk square printed with hounds and birds and seated people? Walking along, thinking of the color of it tucked in your bag, is like remembering the Hindi word for “dog” just when you need it. Wearing a scarf is another matter. One feels self-conscious as an oil painting bought to match upholstery. At the accessories counters of department stores, scarves mass like drunk slatterns. One of them learns the color of your suit and offers a perfunctory comment on it, or “picks up,” as they say, like a pup picks up fleas, the color of your eyes. Don’t hate yourself for being easily flattered. Think of French starlets, their heads wrapped carefully as loaves. Pretend they’re in your closet and not driving off in cream-colored convertibles. by Joy Katz

reach.

2011-12-01T07:21:00.001-06:00

I have been looking high and low for something substantial. Something everlasting. Something. I have been digging for this treasure in all the wrong places. In mud pits, dust bunny caves...under big rocks, in-between pea gravel, and on those microscopic blades of razor sharp grass.

I was coming up empty.
Nothing.
Only paper cuts made by grass, dirt under my finger nails, mug cakes on my knees, and a runny nose.

None of this helped to fill in the hole I had aching in the center of my chest. The feeling was dull, but it was a stabbing pain.
You know; the kind of pain you feel when you're missing someone and wish they were there with you.
That pain would come and go.
It was a lonely kind of pain, because I didn't know the cause or the cure.

And that's when He reached for me.
He stretched out His mighty hand and quieted that feeling in my chest.
He showed me what it was like to be at peace; to be reassured that He was in control.
He quieted all my fears.

And when I am lonely. He's there, reaching out to me.
What love is this?!
I, for the first time, feel like there is a possibly of feeling whole.

Dear Jesus,
reach for me, and never let go!
i need your love, strength, and friendship.
Take my life.
Take my burdens.
i am yours alone, Lord.
I love you "plus que ma propre vie".

You hold the weight of the world*

Still I don't slip through Your hands

Your love is bigger than just an ocean built by man

I fall again and again but You whisper, "You're still mine"

You feel the pain of the world but You never push mine aside

And You reach for me with a love that quiets all my fears

And You reach for me like a Father wipes away the tears
So many people in this world, but I hear You calling out my name
You reach for me, now I'm never gonna be the same

You know all of my fears, there's nothing Your eyes can't see

When I tried to give up, Lord, You never gave up on me

I give You all of my hopes and dreams, I lay them down

Of all the places I've looked Your the one truth I have found

You reach for me

You hold the weight of the world

Still I don't slip through Your hands

You put the stars in the sky

You know every grain of sand

thankful thoughts

2011-11-30T19:04:00.002-06:00

Listening To: Happy Holidays-Bing Crosby
Quote: "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."-Author Unknown

I am sitting here on the center cushion of my couch, cuddled in the midst of seven Christmas pillows, under a chocolate brown fleece blanket, watching Criminal Minds, pondering all that has happened this past week. Since my phone call from my doctor about my potassium levels, I have been back once already. This was to check my potassium levels again after downing a gargantuan amount of Orange Juice. I feel like I am swimming up to my eyeballs in that orange liquid.

Yesterday, I went to get an ultra-sound of my Thyroid. They said it was enlarged. And so, I now have to go to another doctor to have him get a closer look at it to make sure it's nothing serious. My main doctor thinks I may have Grave's Disease and Hypothyroidism. Also, I have another appointment on Monday for another blood test. {I'm going to be a pickled prune when all is said-and-done!}.

It's all exhausting, and from time-to-time I do notice a difference. I feel better. However, when I do throw up it starts that vicious cycle all over again, making me feel guilty, ashamed, and cruddy. I pray that we're on the right track in perusing a course of action fro treatment and counseling. Mom has called a few local counselors dealing specifically in ED, but none have called back yet. I really hope they do soon!

Through all this God has been good to me. I cannot begin to clasp my mind around His purpose for all of this, or who He's teaching through these struggles. But whatever God is doing in my life, and using my to affect other's lives, I hope His blessings ooze forth with exuberance.

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."-John 1:1g

Key Messages...Everybody Know Somebody...by NEDA

2011-11-26T07:00:00.000-06:00

Go to NEDA's website and sign up to participate. There are many things you can do to bring awareness to your community about eating disorders.
Join me in the fight against ED.

The goal of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is to promote public and media attention to
the seriousness of eating disorders and their biological as well as environmental triggers, and to try to
combat the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that can contribute to them.

2012 Theme: Everybody Knows Somebody

This year the National Eating Disorders Association is stressing that we all need to be educated about
the contributing factors, signs and symptoms of eating disorders in order to ensure early detection and
intervention. We live in a culture saturated with unrealistic body-image messages and almost all of us
know somebody struggling with an eating disorder. Because this is true, we urge you to do just one
thing during NEDAwareness Week to 1) raise awareness that eating disorders are serious
illnesses, not lifestyle choices; 2) provide accurate information to medical, educational and/or business
communities, and 3) direct people to information and resources about eating disorders.

Join us, and do “Just One Thing”

You don’t need to have a lot of time, money or other resources to make a difference. Simply choose
one thing you will do to help. Here are a few examples:
 Bring a NEDAwareness Week Volunteer Speaker to your school, work, or social group.
 Download and print a free copy of NEDA’s Educator Toolkit, Parent Toolkit and Coach &
Athletic Trainer Toolkit to give to your local schools.
 Provide accurate information: Put NEDAwareness Week posters, pamphlets and handouts in
your schools, community centers, medical offices or workplaces.
 Maximize the power of your social networking: Re-tweet a fact about eating disorders, post
signs and symptoms of an eating disorder, put up a link to the NEDA website and Helpline,
encourage your contacts to learn more about eating disorders and join you in doing just one
thing.
 Host a fun event: An all-sizes fashion show, film screening, Build A Life-Size Barbie, Great
Jeans Giveaway and more!

1. Eating disorders are serious illnesses, not lifestyle choices
Eating disorders are complex conditions that arise from a combination of long-standing behavioral,
emotional, psychological, interpersonal, biological and social factors. As our natural body size and
shape is largely determined by genetics, fighting our natural size and shape can lead to unhealthy dieting
practices, poor body image and decreased self-esteem. While eating disorders may begin with
preoccupations with food and weight, they are about much more than food. Recent research has
shown that genetic factors create vulnerabilities that place individuals at risk for acting on cultural
pressures and messages and triggering behaviors such as dieting or obsessive exercise.
In the United States, as many as 10 million females and 1 million males are fighting a life and death
battle with an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia. Approximately 15 million more are
struggling with binge eating disorder.

2. Education, early intervention, and access to care are critical
There has been a rise in incidence of anorexia in young women 15-19 years old in each decade since
1930; over one person’s lifetime, at least 50,000 individuals will die as a direct result of an eating
disorder. In the United States, we are inundated with messages telling us that thinner is better, and
when we “fit” our culture’s impossible beauty standards, we will be happy. Did you know that 80% of
all ten year olds are afraid of being fat? As a culture, it is time for all communities to talk about eating
disorders, address their contributing factors, advocate for access to treatment and take action for
early intervention. You can make a difference: register to participate (it’s free!) and use all the
free and discount resources to do just one thing to initiate awareness, education and discussion
about eating disorders in your community. If we all do something, we’ll have a tremendous impact!

3. Help is available, and recovery is possible
While eating disorders are serious, potentially life-threatening illnesses, there is help available and
recovery really is possible. It is important for those affected to remember that they are not alone in
their struggle; others have recovered and are now living healthy fulfilling lives. Let the National Eating
Disorders Association (NEDA) be a part of your network of support.

NEDA has information and resources available via our website and Helpline:
NEDA www.nationaleatingdisorders.org NEDA Helpline: 800-931-2237

God's answers are mightier than our prayers.

2011-11-25T11:15:00.001-06:00

Listening to: Be Still-Story Side B
Thankful For: Another day to breath.

Yesterday I had a frightful scare. On Wednesday my mom took me to the Doctors to get a physical so that we could see what-if any- damage has been done to my body via Bulimia. The visit was really short and semi-sweet (minus all the questions in regards to when, how, and why this whole struggle with food began). The doctor ordered a full blood test, focusing primarily on my sugar levels, testing for Celiac Disease, and my Thyroid (which is swollen).

Around 9:30AM yesterday morning my Doctor called the house and told my mom-in a very urgent manner-that my potassium levels were dangerously low, and that I needed to either head straight to the ER or drink an 8oz glass of orange juice every hour until Monday. The ER didn't sound all that fun, especially on a holiday, so I opted to swim in a lake of O.J.

I didn't realize how cruddy I was feeling until I began to drink my fourth and fifth glass. My skin color had already changed drastically from a grievous blue-gray hue to a more pink-white. Everything around me seemed-as it does even now-brighter and more clear.

Scary. The thought of me being so close to having something serious go wrong with me was too close for comfort. And I thank God that this was brought to my attention now, rather than later. And I also thank you all for your prayers, because without them, I may not have found out as soon as I did. Bless you! God's answers are mightier than our prayers.

the joy will burn out the pain

2011-11-23T09:47:00.000-06:00

Listening to: Jesus Saves-Jeremy Camp

Quote: Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.-Joseph Campbell

Rainy days. Grande Passion Fruit teas. Black flowered, hand-bound journals. Pastel gel pens. Neon highlighters. God's Word. I sit here at my kitchen table this gray morning, sipping on a refreshing cup of tea, reading my bible and jotting down a few thoughts. It has been a while since I've touched or even thought about my journal. Let alone my Bible.

Since I became Bulimic life seems to always spiral out of control. I am unquestionably forgettable, lethargic, and not entirely the same person I used to be. In a way, that's both good and bad. Good because through this struggle God has, and is, showing me his Glory. Bad because I have lost myself in a world that so many die in daily. And I could easily, like so many others, at any time, die from this.

Morbid of me to think that way, but there's no sugar coating my way around it. Continuing down this path that I am on will surely cost me my life, my relationship with my family, and with my God. I don't want that. What I want is to be whole. To live a life electrified by love. A love of God. A love of my family. A love of myself. A love of God's people.

I feel like a dead man walking, too weak to think clearly or act. I move throughout my day in a groggy daze, feeling empty. Yes, empty is a feeling--a feeling, mind you, that hurts lime any other sorrowful emotion or feeling. It's a strong, powerful feeling, to feel nothing. You feel so hollow inside because you know something is missing--a joy that surpasses what this world has to offer.

God has continued to teach me things that blow me away. And whether I fail to recognize them, learn from them, or appreciate them, He is still blessing me. And answering my prayers. Sometimes God moves a little slow for me. But He doesn't work according to how fast I want things; instead, he works according to what He knows is best for me at that particular time. A trip around the world can wait. A job can wait. Striking out on your own can wait. What needs to happen now, He tells me, is that you "get well". That's what you need most right now. The other things can wait. This is more important. You're life is more important to Me.

So, I have been getting glimpses of what joy feels like--a truly exhilarating feeling in comparison to nothingness. It's almost too much! He's working on me one heart beat at a time. And I am thankful He's determined to show me His unyielding love. He hasn't given up on me yet, and I am clinging to the promise that he never will!

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”-Deuteronomy 31:8

Do you believe in Magic?

2011-11-15T19:53:00.001-06:00

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."~Roald Dahl

Authentic People Blog Party!

2011-11-14T20:19:00.003-06:00

{Who I am & Why I Blog}

I am a girl. Yeah, that one's pretty obvious. But I am not just a girl. I am a girl striving to live my life for Christ. To understand His purpose for my life. And to surrender my life to the only one who can make me whole again.Whole again--as in healing me from Bulimia. Do I want to get well? Yes.

I blog because I love to write. But that's not the main reason why anymore. I want this blog to be a place of encouragement and comfort for those souls who are in need of some TLC. I want to empower girls with eating disorders to think positively about who they are, understand their worth and value to God (who's opinion of us is the most important opinion we will ever get), and to reach for the heavens. So many girls are struggling, and even though my struggles may not be big compared to some, I want to offer them will a little slice of kindness and hope as I receive them from Christ who gives me strength.

{Some Weird Things About Me}

1} What's the nerdiest/geekiest/weirdest thing about you?

I love toe socks! Especially the bright kind. I make up my own words (so many I can't even remember one to share with you. lol) And over sized grandpa sweaters, and silly pens, and Almond butter. (Is almond butter geeky?).

_____________________________________________________________________________________

2} If you could live in a fictional universe from any book, movie, or television show, what would it be?

I would live in a fictional universe, a book/ movie to be exact, that was serene and peaceful. I quite like the thought of Pride and Prejudice, or Little Women.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

3} Little or big, practical or frivolous, what is one of your favorite items in your house?

It's nothing really, but I like my lava lamp. :D I love watching the bubbles somersault around in the glass tube.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

4} Do you like animated movies? If so, what is your favorite?

Yes! Yes! Yes! I have so many favorites that I don't have enough fingers or toes to count them all. The Polar Express is one of my traditional all-time favorites. I watch it every December (every time it's on). I can watch The Incredibles over and over again; I think I've watched it at least 56 times! And Shrek is beast.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

5} What is your favorite household chore?

Are you crazy...favorite chore? Okay, I have to admit that I am a big fan of chores. I know, I am crazy, but it's true. Vacuuming is a very relaxing chore, and cleaning the bathrooms are most enjoyable! Hmm...that was more than one.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

6} What's your favorite thing to get at Starbucks (or your favorite coffee shop)?

Passion Fruit Iced Tea! Yup. It's delish! And one of the only things I can have at Starbucks. The tea isn't too sweet, just a tad bit tart, and all around refreshing.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

7} What is your favorite pizza topping?

Cheese. No, pepperoni. Wait, olives. Maybe... Pineapple? ...Mushrooms...Now I'm confused. I'm gonna have to go with Cheese AND Pepperoni AND Olives AND Pineapple AND Mushrooms. Everything...and all-of-the-above!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

8} Waffles or pancakes?

Neither. I don't really enjoy either, unless it was Cracker Barrel's Pancakes. But they aren't gluten-free. :(

_____________________________________________________________________________________

9} Do you like to play games? If so, what is your favorite?

Shoot. If only I could get my brother and sister to play games with me I'd be one happy girl. I am a looser when it comes to LIFE. But I'd have to say that that's my favorite game. I always end up with seven children, living in my car, and having a stupid career.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

10} Have you ever let anyone win a game?

My brother. Sometimes. But usually I don't. I am too competitive. Prolly why no one will play with me anymore.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

11} Have you ever dyed your hair?

No. But there's always a first time for everything. And considering the fact that I am 18-years-old and already have a collective amount of graying hair makes me thing that it's a possibility.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

12} Do you make your bed every morning?

Most of the time. Hardly ever do I leave it unmade. I cannot leave my room without a clean, and well-made bed. Sometimes I get lazy, though.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

13} Picasso or Norman Rockwell?

Norman. Picasso is just, well, way too Picasso-y to me; too sporadic. I like the normalcy of Norman and how cute and funny some of his paintings are.

This one's my favorite.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

14} Do you like carpet, tile, or hardwood floors?

What about linoleum? Does that count? Linoleum throughout the house. Hardwood in the living room, on the stairs, and in the halls. No carpet-->GAG!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

15} If you could put one thing in a safe under your bed, what would it be?

My family videos OR Family photos OR all my journals. I haven't quiet given that one much thought. Which one!!!!!????

_____________________________________________________________________________________

16} What's your favorite condiment?

Dude...you are talking to the Queen of Ketchup. Oh yeah, baby!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

17} Have you ever thrown up on someone (excluding when you were a child)?

No. I am proud to say that I have not have the privilege to have puked on anyone. Yet. It's usually coming out the other end. Not pleasant. You really learn how much your mom loves you when she's the one cleaning it up. :D

_____________________________________________________________________________________

18} What was the last thing that made you laugh?

My sister. she left me a comment on Facebook telling me to do jumping-jax on college campus. Haha.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

19} Think fast...what's the first song that pops into your head?

I'll Take You back by Jeremy Camp. This song reminds me that no matter what I do, God will always take me back regardless of how far I've strayed. I love that about God.

Love is Life's Motivator

2011-11-10T19:55:00.003-06:00

Good morning to you all. Once again it’s time to dive into God’s word and explore the meaning of LOVE! Let’s start off with a prayer, shall we?

Gracious Heavenly Father,
I come to you today as an act of submission. Lord, I fall down and lay our crown at your feet. Take it as my offering. Today, Lord, use this day to further show my what love realy means and how I am to apply it in my life.
Amen

LOVE is life’s biggest motivator. Money, drugs, alcohol, sex, even food, can be a love that motivates us in our daily lives and draws us away from Christ. For a mother, her love for her child is her motivation. For a Pastor, his love for his congregation is his motivation. For a Soldier, the love for his country is his motivation. For a teacher, the love of her students is her motivation. And for a Bulimic, the love of food is their motivation.

In 1 Cor 13:4-7 it tells us this about what true love is: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”.

Who do you know that exemplifies these characteristics of love? I know I cannot even begin to obtain this level of love while submersed in an eating disorder. There are too many variables prohibiting me from experiencing this type of love. It’s almost as if there is this Rose Quartz Bell Jar over me, blocking out the God’s love rays. But, in reality, I am the one that is prohibiting myself from experiencing a love so fulfilling.

Being Bulimic myself (and hoping to heal from it by the renewal of my mind), I have encountered a catastrophic characteristic within myself that I knew existed, but not to the extent that it is now-ANGER. When Bulimics binge and purge (B/P), they end up really messing up our hormones and electrolytes. This can be serious, if they're not careful, “Electrolytes are vital for proper electric signals in the heart. One of the most serious dangers of electrolyte imbalance in bulimia is heart arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat). A heart problem is not only one of the dangers of bulimia; it is a leading cause of death associated with Bulimia Nervosa” (TREE).

What I am trying to get at is that when people B/P, their hormones get all out of whack and, because of this, their emotions are way out of line. I’ve noticed this within myself. Since the two years I’ve been bulimic, the anger that I’ve kept suffocating inside of me has inadvertently found it’s way out….

The Love Dare states that anger “can fuel hatred in his heart until he feels like attacking his enemy” (2). This doesn’t mean that the hatred we feel will propel us to “attack” and “kill” bulimia (which is in no way our friend. And yes, it is our enemy). But that’s not what it’s talking about here. Actually, what it is talking about is that anger fuels hatred, and this hatred can subsequently be directed towards those we love and those we don’t.

Unlike Anger, which is the complete opposition of the definition of LOVE, love is the spark that plants that characteristic of kindness, the kind of selflessness that causes a man to “lay down his life for his friend” (The Love Dare 2).

Another characteristic that goes against the definition of LOVE is selfishness. And selfishness, according to The Love Dare ”drives a woman to tighten her grip and harden her resources” (2). The Bible mentions that those who are selfish “defies all sound judgment” (Proverbs 18:1 ), will “find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16-17), and are “without understanding” (2 Corinthians 10:22).

But love inspires a person to “open […] their hands and give sacraficially” (The Love Dare 2). Love is the purest and most powerful motivator. Why? Because love gives rise to “courage [in a] coward and wisdom [in a] fool” (2). Eating disorders, mind you, are powerful forces in themselves. It’s hard to break the pattern once it’s been set. I believe that because of my lack of understanding about what LOVE really means, and truly living a loving, Godly life, Bulimia has, in a sense, turned into that love that I’ve been trying to find.

But instead of Bulimia beign the finger in the dam, keeping the flood of paintful emotions from breaking through the thinly built cement barier, LOVE needs to be that bandage, that “finger in the dam”. Because when love invades our hearts, “we are empowered to endure deeper pain, willingly pay a greater cost, and run risks to your reputation for the sake of another”(2).

2011-11-10T06:30:00.000-06:00

We're constantly bombarded with people who are telling us we're worthless. They play with our self-confidence, and make us feel insecure. People don't understand that words hurt, and they can have a huge affect on a person's self-esteem.

Beauty isn't only skin deep. I know it's a saying that many people say, but what counts is the beauty on the inside.

Come join me in the love project, where learning to love like Christ starts NOW with learning loving yourself as the beautiful, Godly creation you are!

what you do makes a difference

2011-11-08T06:32:00.001-06:00

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.~Anne Frank

2011-11-08T06:25:00.002-06:00

~~Disgusting~~
~~Despised~~
~~Undesired~~
~~Revolting~~
~~Unworthy~~
~~Useless~~
~~Plain~~
~~Intimidating~~
~~Entangled~~
~~Chained~~
~~Addicted~~
~~Dirty~~
~~Repulsive~~
~~Unclean~~
~~Used~~
~~Ugly~~
~~Boyish~~
Beloved

Untitled

2011-11-07T08:32:00.004-06:00

My cat plays with my toes as I attempt to get out of the bed.

But it's cold and the sheets are warm.

My mom's at my door singing to me a song,

One that's annoying and sounds like an out-of-beat gong.

"Get out of bed Sleepy Head!" she says, not meaning any harm.

When I get up and get dressed, I stop to pray

To God for giving me another day;

To stand at my bed and say:

I thank you for the beauty in the trees,

And all that my eyes can see.

The colorful leaves, bright orange, yellow, and red.

The way the sun makes them sparkle,

Makes me wish the sun never had to go to bed.

After breakfast and a glass of milk,

I slip into fleece socks that feel like silk.

I pull on my shoes, and slip on my coat.

Grabbing my camera and keys, I head out for a ride.

My mission is to take pictures, and not to get a sore throat!

I hit the winding road caring little of where it’ll take me;

Hoping to get good shots of the beautiful scenery.

I’ve got the heater on in the car, and the windows are getting foggy.

Right now I could use a good hot bowl of beans and barley.

As I drive, I can’t believe my eyes!

The storm that had hit last night,

Has left a colorful rainbow delight.

I hope when I get hope mommy will have made Apple Dumplings.

Those delicious pockets of sweet fruit and syrupy butter,

Oh the feeling that is brings!

I mustn’t be distracted by the chilling feeling that I’ve got.

I must continue, until my mom calls and tells me to stop.

I will continue driving about and taking pictures,

Because soon, this vivid picture of striking fall colors will bid me adieu.

And will bring along with it the need for snowshoes.

Upon my journey home, about to put my camera up,
I spot a fallen leaf that had not been there at sunup.
It was of a beautiful golden tone.
And it sparkled at the fading sun shown
Through the trees and onto my cheekbone.
The leaf stuck out on its own, as if to say its last good-byes.
“I will be back next year” it seemed to say in a hushed, relaxed tone.
And so I left to go inside, leaving the peaceful, last leaf of fall all alone.

Love is the greatest of these

2011-11-06T07:49:00.006-06:00

Before I plunge head-long into today’s post, let me take a moment and bow my head in prayer.

Lord,
I don’t always know what you’re doing-what you’re plans are in my life, but I pray that whatever those plans are, you give me the strength and courage I need to face them head-on.
Lord, today I ask that you bless me tremendously. Open my eyes up to what true love is, and help me to be able to carry out what you command of me in sincere love.
Amen

As I write this post, I can't help but looking back at the past 1-almost 2 years-of my life as a journey. I have learned some things that have changed my life, and have made me a better person because of it. But my battle with Bulimia is, for the lack of words, deeply rooted itself into every fiber of my being, and has changed a lot of who I am physically and mentally.

This change is temporary, of course. That is, if I chose to get well and allow Christ to consume me and heal me. I am fervently working towards that with every bite I take. It's not easy. Especially when I am so afraid to eat. Not because I'm afraid of getting fat, but because of the pain food causes me. That's the reason I began throwing up in the first place.

Believe it or not, it's to be expected of those with severe food intolerance. But who wants to be one of those people who do the expected? I want to do the unexpected. I want to win, live, and serve the Lord. That's the unexpected.

When dealing with an Eating Disorder I never feel full-satisfied. Life appears dull and unattractive, like I often feel in person about the way I look. Self-confidence is a real bugger, you have to guard it with your life, and take comfort and confidence in the Lord, not yourself. I have been reading Paperdoll lately and, well, I want to experience the complete thirst quenching love that is so fresh and sweet, that it catches me off guard.

I want to experience love, and in turn, show others the love God has shown me.

God commands us to love. Easier said that done, right? Love isn’t an easy thing to do. For one, it’s not an easy thing to do-love someone. It’ even harder to express those feelings verbally to someone.

So, what is love? We all know what love is, but do we really know how to love? There are different types of love: loving someone and loving something. Anyone can love something (i.e cats, dogs, poneys). These things are usually superficial. Loving your dog, cat, or poney isn’t the same as loving your mom, sister or dad.

God tells us that our true purpose in life is to love Him (Matthew 22:35-40). However, when it comes down to the wire, it is up to us whether or not we choose to live this life of LOVE. Like I mentioned above, there are two types of love, a love for something and someone. The difference between the two is this:

One is priceless
The other is meaningless

As stated in The Love Dare, “Love is the most important ingredient to any meaningful relationship” (1). Whether it be a relationship with family, friends, or yourself, love is the most valuable ingredient. Take it this way, if you are baking a Sugar Cookie, but don’t have the sugar needed to make it sweet, the outcome is a bland, tasteless, bitter cookie. Same way with the love ingredient. If there is no love in our lives, we become bland, tasteless, and bitter people.

Believe it or not, the quality of life is centered on the “amount of LOVE flowing in you and through you to others” (The Love Dare 1; emphasis on love added). Love is more valuable that rubies, pearls, and gold, honor or fame. When these things fade and deteriate they become useless to us, but as those things go away, love always remains (Matthew 6:20). We, as human beings, cannot be fulfilled without love. Without it, we’re lifeless. Without love, there is a devestating void.

And here I’d like to stop to point out that when submersed in an Eating Disorder, one's attention is so focused on those materialistic needs (i.e. food); and get so caught up in the things that mean nothing. The things that fade and deteriorate overtime. If you’re feeling empty, lifeless, or have a huge void in your life that you’re trying to fill by using food as your crutch, maybe what you’re really after is a love so sound it’s unshakable. After a love that is so filling you’ll never be hungry again (in a spiritual sense).

I know I am.

In the life of a Bulimic the greatest obsession is food. For me, it seems to be my lifeline, my comfort. (The truthful words). Wouldn't you say it’s kind of like our love-the love that should really be reserevd for Christ, and our families and friends? What use is it-being able to love-if we use it for the wrong reasons? It’s ineffective. Replace that absorbtion of food with being absorbed by God’s unwavering love. Do something that gets you motivated; do something for others.

That's what I'm going to do.

When love is not present things tend to go down hill. For one, our spirituality becomes fake. Without love there is no true spirituality, and without benevolence there is only self-centerness, and without sacrifices there is only insincerity. In John 15:13 it says that “greater love has no one than this,that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

Now, I want you to keep this in mind: “When love is not [our] motivation, expect to feel bland, and unfulfilling-if not meaningless” (The Love Dare1). These feelings sound all-too familiar, don’t they? I know I feel this way after I binged and purged. Not only do I tend to feel unfulfilling- in being unfulfilling, I am not really fulfilling anything by constantly having my head down the toilet. I am not using my Godly talents for His purpose. I am, in a sense, DEAD. Instead of giving my problems to God, I take matters into my own hands (which usually involves running away from my problems) and fill that void with food, expelling those problems by purging, and repeating the process because I am never fully satisfied-, I also feel bland, and meaningless, as well as guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed.

I feel this way because deep down I know that I am hindering myself from embracing the fullness of life; keeping myself from truly experiencing the love of Christ; and preventing Him from using my as a vessel to reach others for His name sake. I have realized that by allowing Bulimia to control me, I am essentially allowing it to make me ineffective for Christ. I become a rotting piece of fruit on a peach tree. A dead limb that needs to be trimmed from a grape vine.

“Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit” (Matthew 7:17).

Lastly, I want you all to keep this in the forefront of your minds today: God’s greatest command is that we are to love God with all that we are and love our neighbors as ourselves. We must love God first, then we must love ourselves. But until we are ready to embrace and love ourselves, we cannot fully love others. Loving ourselves is not a selfish thing. If you are being kind to your body and taking care of yourself, then it’s okay to have “me time” every now and then.

But, here’s my question for you all today before I leave you with my dare: are you ready to embrace a life of love?

READ THIS:

2 CORINTHIANS 13:2
MATTHEW 22:37-40
MATTHEW 7:17
JOHN 15:3
MATTHEW 6:20

[This Weeks Dare]

Pray this week: “Lord, teach me what real love is and make me a loving person.”

Also, take a moment to pamper yourself. Go for a jog, take a hot bubble bath, or paint your nails-whatever makes you feel at peace. Learning to love like Jesus starts NOW with you showing love to yourself.

From the Inside Out

2011-11-05T13:16:00.001-05:00

It feels odd to be back after such a long absence. I hardly think I remember how to blog, let alone who my followers are. I cannot begin to express my deep sorrows for being away for so long, but I assure you that I will attempt to make an effort in posting more often. That is, when the Lord has given me something to write about.

First off, I’d like to introduce myself (for those of you who don't know me): My name is Emily Shae and I am an 18-year-old college Sophomore. I am battling Bulimia, and have been for 2 years now. The story behind how I became bulimic is fairly lengthy, thus I will not delve on that a whole lot.

However, I would like to mention that the purpose for this blog is to empower girls to discover their beauty in Christ as I discover my own. One of the many reasons for this "revamped" blog is to rejuvenate my love for myself. Bulimia takes its tole on the mind, body, and spirit; and it weakens the body physically, runs wild with one's emotions, and makes people ineffective for Christ.

I don’t know about you all, but I want to feel confident about who I am in Christ (Phil. 3:7-11). And until I feel that way, I will not feel confident in my self and my abilities.

In addition to this list of many reasons, I want to learn what it is to truly love so that I can, in turn, know how to love my family-my mom, dad, sister, and brother. If you or someone you know has bulimia, then you understand that it affects family members just as badly as it does you or me. I know it does my family. They are all consumed with worry for my life, who I've morphed into, my relationship with food, them, and Christ.

I don’t want to go about my life binging and purging while they worry. Actually, I don’t want to worry about them worrying at all while I puke what I ate for breakfast. I’d rather not have to puke up every meal, not have to wonder what my family thinks of me, feel the guilt and shame that weighs heavy on my heart, or worry for my family whose worrying for me.

See what I mean by a vicious cycle? It’s not worth it.

And so I end this post with a silent prayer:

Fairest Lord Jesus,

I come to you today asking for your blessing on this study. I am ready for a change-no, in need of a change so desperately that my soul aches for Your Living Water to stop the burning thirst. Fill me up with your love and quench this unbearable hunger and emptiness that is plaguing be daily.

Lord, I want you to consume me from the inside out. Bulimia is only an outside force that has overtaken my body, and only You, my Great Physician, can heal me. Everlasting, Your glory goes beyond all things…Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.

So heal me, Lord. I am broken. I am tired of feeling worthless, useless, and embarrassed to call myself a Christian. I know what I’ve done does not make me any less of a Christian, but I want my whole life to be solely for you. Help me to live a Godly life, and show me what it feels like to know that I meet your definition of beautiful.

Amen

Inside Threat (A Riley Covington Thriller) by Jason Elam and Steve Yohn

2011-11-02T19:05:00.000-05:00

Inside threat is a thriller. Riley Covington has just gotten back into playing football and is causing quite a stir with the press and players alike. Khadi, who is the woman Riley cares most for, has been given a post as a security specialist. But when terrorists take senators and Khadi hostage, Riley has no choice but to come back and try to save the women he loves.

If you enjoy reading about action adventure or politics this book would be a great read for you. It has suspense, fighting, and politics all rolled up into one great book with a little romance. Although slow at first this book was well written and got more interesting with the turning of the pages. I enjoyed how the story drew me in while reading but I didn't necessarily enjoy reading about politics.

Tyndale House Publishers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book.

Stained Glass Hearts: Seeing Life from a Broken Perspective by Patsy Clairmont

2011-11-02T18:57:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure what I expected from Stained Glass Hearts by Patsy Clairmont. The subtitle, Seeing Life from a Broken Perspective, certainly seemed to apply to anyone who has lived a life which contained disappointments. So, I kicked back, cracked it open, and dug in. To start with, the author's writing style is very, very chatty. I could almost hear her. I really enjoyed, at the end of every chapter, her suggestions for healing activities: Scripture, music, art, literature, museums and the like.

Clairmont is very personable, seemingly very open about her own struggles with agoraphobia. She seems incessantly cheery, almost to the point of being flip. In fact that became a problem for me; I could not imagine sharing such a book with a suffering friend. I almost put it down. But somewhere around the middle, in a chapter appropriately entitled "Stained Glass Prayer," the author truly let the reading have a glimpse of her broken heart. I began to get a real sense of the calming that holds her broken heart together: " . . . when we lose our joy, the Spirit replaces it with endurance, that indestructible internal insistence to keep on keeping on." And so, finally, I saw how the Almighty pieced together her broken heart through prayer, reading, poetry, nature, and grace. That is what I needed to hear.

Would I share this book with a broken-hearted friend? Probably not. But I would certainly share it with one whose heart is healing.